Another hurdle in the continuing saga of vacation preparedness is an endeavor to lose weight. The original plan being to drop 20 pounds in the course of 14 weeks...quite a reasonable goal I thought. One which was still reasonable at 12 weeks, slightly less so at 10, and now, at 8, is bordering on comical. Fortunately I am not cursed with an abundance of ambition, thus it was easy, whilst pondering the situation over a slab of Havarti and some rosemary crackers, to whittle that goal down to 10 pounds. Once again reasonable, but sure to require a combination of deprivation and physical torture to achieve.
I can smell some of you thinking now..."oh no Lisa, you don't need deprivation and physical torture...just a healthy diet and regular moderate exercise". Semantics people...you say portion control, I say starvation. You say moderate exercise, I say Abu Ghraib. Ok, I admit to a small amount of facetiousness regarding portion control, as I don't generally consume food in slab, vat, or trough form. Except for cheese. Don't judge.
The above noted, evidently the problem is not so much in the amount I eat, but what it is comprised of. Now I'm sure that my health-conscious friends, family, and former colleagues, and as well as the various nutrition experts and medical gurus out there in cyberspace, are genuinely trying to be helpful with their suggestions. And many of those I have taken to heart, for example, bacon is now a garnish instead of a main. Ditto chocolate. Wine is served in a glass now, instead of swigging it straight from the bottle. That last one was a joke. Mostly. But as with all advice one must consider what is practical, possible and/or downright absurd. So in that vein, I must unapologetically reject the following:
1) No "white" carbs. I understand the need for moderation, blood sugar levels, etc., duly noted, and I will make an honest effort to be more conscious. Hey, I actually prefer whole grain breads. That said, I am second-generation Italian, from NJ, so there is zero chance I will live in a world without pasta. Refrain from even thinking the words "whole wheat pasta" in my direction. Seriously. Don't make me call The Don.
2) No "red" meat. Yes, I know that fish and chicken are infinitely healthier, and yes, I enjoy both of those items regularly. Mostly because of their health benefits, but moreso because they're Meat. Yes, I capitalized Meat intentionally. I have that much love and admiration for it. For those who have never experienced the unbridled joy of a properly seasoned lamb chop, a stack of prosciutto shavings, or a perfectly seared rare filet mignon, there are no suitable words to explain. For those who have and still manage to banish them, I say: 1) kudos for your iron resolve 2) you're insane, and 3) can I have yours?
3) No "any" meat (aka vegetarianism). The idea of hahaha....sorry, what I meant to say was hahahahaha. No really, the point is hahahahahaha protein is a very important component in a ppppppffffftttt hahaha <snort> well rounded diet, and besides, meat has hahahahaareyoufuckingkiddingme?!
4) No anything that is derived from a meat related source (aka veganism). This doesn't even deserve it's own number. I'm taking my 4) back.
4) No sugar or artificial sweeteners. Too much sugar is indeed bad for you. Artificial sweeteners are, for the most part, made of the same substances as the plastic wrapped around the box they come in. Probably not a good thing. And while I can think of few things worse than consuming plastic and/or rotting one's teeth, one notable horror does come to mind. Living out the rest of my days in a dessert-less existence.
5) 1,000 calorie a day diet. I would gnaw my own arm off. Then I would gnaw yours off. Any questions?
I think the key to proper diet, as with everything else in this wacky life of ours, is moderation. Balance. Harmony. Cheese...blessed blessed cheese. Sorry...squirrel. Anyway, it's time for dinner, so I'll step off my soapbox for today. Part II of this segment to follow soon, where we analyze exercise...the bad, the ugly, and the really ugly. Until then...
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